by I mentally banged my face against the steering wheel. Expressions of implicit and unshakeable confidence are a lot nicer when you’ve got something to work with. Otherwise, it’s the high road to disappointing your friends.
‘What would Nancy Drew do,’ I muttered.
Jay shook his head. ‘No good. Being fictional, Nancy Drew always had a convenient lead.’
‘How do you know?’
‘I may have read some of them.’
‘Uh huh?’
‘Or a lot of them.’
I grinned. ‘I knew there was a reason why I liked you.’
‘Hopefully there are one or two more.’
‘We can discuss that some other time.’
‘I look forward to it.’
‘All right, what would Poirot do? He didn’t need leads. He just needed to think.’
Jay made a show of consulting the watch he didn’t wear. ‘Right. Some people work best under pressure, so I’m giving you five minutes to think.’
‘Five?!’
‘You’ve already wasted three seconds.’
I gulped. ‘Thinking.’
And I did. For real.
‘Time’s up,’ said Jay, what seemed like thirty seconds later. ‘What have you got?’
‘Motive.’
‘More specifically?’
‘Why would somebody steal this particular grimoire?’
‘For one thing, it’s incredibly valuable.’
‘That’s one possible reason. In which case, we’re looking for a way someone might manage to sell a unique, priceless and recognisable grimoire for a fabulous sum without attracting notice.’
‘For another thing, it’s famous.’
‘Right. It might be because of its purported author, in which case we’re looking for someone with a Merlin obsession strong enough to consider it worth the manifold obstacles and risks involved with stealing it. I didn’t think to ask Mr. Elvyng if anyone had ever offered to buy the book from him. I’ll do that.’
‘There’s also hatred of the Elvyngs as a possible motive,’ said Jay. ‘So, spite.’
‘I think we covered that one, though. If there’s anyone out there with that level of a grudge against the family, they’ve been so quiet about it that we’ve no idea where to look for them.’
Jay nodded. ‘Last option is the contents. Is there a charm in there someone would just about kill to get their hands on?’
‘Possible, but tricky. For one thing, nothing either of the Elvyngs have said suggests they publicised the contents at all; indeed, they’ve had the strongest of motives not to. So who could even know what was in it?’
‘They didn’t always own it. Who had it thirty years ago?’
‘Possible line of enquiry, but low priority. Thirty years is a long time. Why wait so long to steal it? Anyway, if it’s someone who was familiar with it thirty years ago, they know the contents already. Why would they need the grimoire now?’
‘So you’re thinking it’s most likely either the money or the cachet.’
‘Yes. It’s time to go consult with our favourite book-sleuth. I want to know about any known fences of rare and illegal spell-books.’
‘You think Val would know?’ Jay sounded shocked. Adorably so.
‘Picture this. A woman — indeed, a Society — absolutely dedicated to rescuing beleaguered magickal paraphernalia wherever it may be found. And a world full of people eager to get their sticky hands on valuable artefacts, by means legal or otherwise. How many irreplaceable tomes end up changing hands on the black market, do you think? And how many would end up disappearing forever into the dubious care of unsuitable people, if somebody didn’t intercept them?’
‘Giddy gods,’ said Jay. ‘Val’s a library superhero.’
‘You should definitely tell her that.’
‘No. She’ll raise her brows at me.’
‘You’re scared of Val?’
‘No!’ said Jay, and coughed. ‘Er. Aren’t you?’
‘Not in the least.’
‘I knew you for a brave woman, but that beats everything.’
I didn’t kick him, because I was driving, but he had a narrow escape.
Upon sharing my flashes of brilliance with Val, I found myself regarded — keenly — in a fashion I might term “surprised and impressed in equal measure”.
‘That’s actually a great idea,’ said she, patently astounded. What, was it so unlikely I’d come up with a good idea?
I swallowed my sense of injury. ‘About the fence?’
If there was an eye-roll going on in response, I opted not to notice it. ‘No. What do you think I’ve been scouring the dark web for, all this time? I’ve got an appointment set up for you already. Best fence in the business. Been working in the industry for twenty years.’
I chose not to contest Val’s terming of black-market book trade as an “industry”. ‘And you just… made an appointment?’
‘She’s a friend.’
‘Of course.’
Val closed the heavy old book she’d had spread open on her desk when we came in. ‘No, I meant about the collectors. Lots of treasures vanish into private collections, and they don’t always go through a fence, either. An occasional enterprising soul has been known to hire people especially for the purpose of acquiring some special piece, with or without the consent of a given artefact’s present owner. And Merlin’s just the type to attract that kind of crazy.’
‘Question is,’ I mused, ‘if I were Merlin-obsessed and determined to possess his personal grimoire — or something said to be so — well, I can imagine I might be able to trace the sale of said grimoire into the Elvyngs’ possession a few decades back. And I might guess that they wouldn’t part with it again, not for mere cash. Supposing I’d resigned myself to a more questionable transfer of ownership, then, how would I go about hiring a team to steal it?’
‘And without bringing the police straight down on my head,’ added Jay.
‘I’m not aware of a convenient yet somehow top-secret forum for thief hire, if that’s what you’re driving at,’ said Val.
‘I actually mean it literally. I’m not speculating. I want practical advice.’
‘Ves?’ said Jay. ‘Don’t say it.’
I said it. ‘Forget scouring four-year-old records for traces of a spectacular book heist no one seems to know anything about. I want to hire a thief.’
Val stared at me. ‘To steal what?’
‘Something rare and Merlin-related, obviously.’
‘Ves. From where?’ That was Jay again, not quite expressing such deep-seated confidence in me as he had earlier.
‘From here. Obviously.’
‘Obviously.’
‘I don’t know if you knew, but we happen to have a priceless piece of Merlin memorabilia right here at the Society.’
‘We do?’ A flat stare from Val.
I nodded enthusiastically. ‘His very own Wand, made from ancient amber and bone—’
‘Ves. We have no such thing.’
‘As far as the world is shortly going to be concerned, we do. It’s in Ornelle’s care and we’ve done our best to keep it a secret all this time because obviously it’s precious, but some thoughtless person with a blabbing mouth will set all our care at nought, and broadcast its existence far and wide.’
Jay’s face had gone into his long-suffering look.
‘And whenever someone investigates they’ll find a neat trail all over the magickal web pertaining to just such a Wand, indubitably the property of Merlin.’
‘They will?’ said Val. ‘How’s that to come about?’
‘I’m sure you’ll find a way.’ I smiled seraphically.
Val’s eyes narrowed. ‘Then what?’
‘Then I pose as a Merlin-crazed collector of near inexhaustible means, whose attempts to purchase the Wand have been brutally rebuffed. That greedy Society has to pay. They’ve no right to keep Merlin’s Wand for themselves. It will serve them right to lose it!’
Silence.
‘What?’ I said. ‘Jay! I asked you how we were going to be different from all those failed investigators. This is how.’
‘By getting yourself arrested for instigating a robbery?’
‘That won’t happen.’
‘How not?’
‘Because we’ll be careful.’
‘We?’
‘Come on! How can I be expected to pull this off without the help of my improbably musical sidekick?’
‘You know you’re not exactly popular with Ornelle already, right?’
‘Right. She hates me anyway, nothing to lose.’
‘There’s still one problem here,’ said Jay.
‘Just the one?’ said Val.
‘How are we going to hire this legendary and as-yet unidentified thief team?’
‘I’m guessing… word of mouth,’ I said.
‘What?’
‘Rumour! No one just hangs out an ad for grand larceny—’
‘You think?’
‘—but if we were to let it be known, quietly, in certain circles, that we’re in the market, word might get around.’
‘Which certain circles?’
Poor Jay. I did exasperate him so. ‘We do have an appointment with a notable fence?’
‘Two Society employees have an appointment with a notable fence.’
‘Not quite true,’ said Val. ‘I only told Sally I’d be sending a friend over. I didn’t say what friend, or why.’
For all his supposed wariness of Val, Jay didn’t pull any punches when he saw a problem. ‘Do you think she’s likely to believe you’d collude with said friend to commit a robbery against your own employer?’
‘Why not?’ said Val. ‘People with shaky morals rarely have any difficulty believing in other people’s.’
‘So many years stuck at your desk,’ I said. ‘Slaving away for the Society. Long hours, low pay. You deserve the handsome fee you’re going to get for helping me get hold of this Wand.’
Val smiled. ‘Right. And the prospect of a job with inside help might be quite attractive to a professional thief, no?’
‘Oh?’ said Jay. ‘Why aren’t you just stealing the thing yourself, then, and selling it directly to the-collector-who-most-certainly-isn’t-Ves-in-disguise?’
‘First-time thief,’ said Val promptly. ‘I have qualms. Also mobility issues. No daring getaway in the nick of time for me.’
‘She’s sold you on this idea, hasn’t she?’
‘There was one true thing Ves said in all this nonsense. I do spend a god-awful amount of time at my desk. Wouldn’t you fancy a change?’
Jay groaned. ‘You’re both getting arrested.’
‘Ye of little faith,’ said I. ‘If you’ll excuse me, I have an identity to prep.’
‘I realise I’m making myself Mr. Unpopular here,’ said Jay. ‘Again. But you’re overcomplicating this.’
‘Please don’t rain on my parade,’ I said.
‘If you want a parade, throw a birthday party,’ Jay said brutally. ‘This is an important mission for the future of magick.’
‘And you’ve a better idea?’ I said.
‘Actually, I do.’
‘Oh.’
‘We aren’t looking for whoever extracted the grimoire, are we? We’re looking for whoever ended up with it afterwards.’
‘What if they’re the same person?’ I said.
‘They might be. Might not. Point is, we aren’t actually the police. We’re here to retrieve the grimoire, not to punish the burglars. There has to be an easier way to cut straight to whoever has the grimoire now, not whoever took it out of William Elvyng’s house four years ago.’
‘And that way is what?’
‘If I might borrow the clever part of your plan—’
‘Jay.’ I gave him a wounded look. ‘All of it was clever.’
Jay ignored that. ‘Hold an auction.’
‘I’m not following.’
‘A Wand has recently come to light, purported to have belonged to Merlin himself. It’s in the hands of a private citizen at this time, and said (anonymous) person would like to flog it for the highest possible return. Supposing we establish convincing credentials for the thing, that ought to bring the collectors out in force, no? And nobody runs the risk of arrest.’
I felt a little deflated. It was a much better plan. ‘Can I still dress up?’
‘As whom?’
‘I could be the private citizen flogging the shiny thing.’
‘Which part of “anonymous” isn’t getting through?’
I sighed. ‘Party pooper.’
‘I do foresee a problem,’ said Val. ‘We don’t actually have a Wand that once belonged to Merlin. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but there are probably a few laws regarding deliberate fraud?’
‘We aren’tgoing to sell anything,’ said Jay. ‘We could have a kind of silent auction. Let people register to bid, and then at the last minute cancel it.’
‘Cancel it why?’
‘Our anonymous seller has had a fit of capriciousness and changed her mind.’
‘Still smells strongly of fraud.’
Jay stared both of us down. ‘Two minutes ago you were happy to hire a team of professional thieves to steal an equally fake artefact. Now you complain about a little misdirection?’
‘We’re disappointed about the grand larceny,’ I said. ‘It’s only natural.’
Jay rolled his eyes. ‘Right. If we’re agreed, I’m going to talk to Indira about manufacturing a certain fake but convincing Wand of Merlin.’
Jay exited stage left without another word.
Val busied herself shuffling papers.
‘I suppose he’s right,’ I said forlornly.
Val grunted. ‘I liked our plan better.’
‘Me too.’
